One more photo Chief Justice, please repose so I can take your picture again...

Yesterday, I flicked on my TV, which was tuned into C-SPAN for some unknown reason, and saw a coffin with an American Flag draped over it. The burnished, brown body box was sitting in the center of some seemingly important room with big Corinthian columns, marble floors, and a velvet rope. I thought, "Sweet, Paris Hilton died and they've got her coffin inside the foyer of Club Paris! Who wants to celebrate her demise at her establishment?" But I was mistaken... I realized this when I read the caption in the bottom, left-hand corner of the screen. The caption read, "Chief Justice Rehnquist Lying in Repose." At this point of my story, if you're asking yourself, "Who is Chief Justice Rehnquist and what tribe was he Chief of?" please do the gifted people of the world a favor-- slather your shoes with margarine, or any extremely slick substance, and go jog on an edge atop any skyscraper... please. Some of us are not fit for this world, and you're one of them.

...Anyway, the coffin was surrounded by this velvet rope and guarded by two burly agents, probably to prevent someone like me from cracking open the casket like a Coors and drawing a phallus on the Chief Justice's forehead with a Sharpie. Fair enough. The layout was such that people could walk along the other side of the velvet rope and either stare at one of the guards' asses or the coffin. Sadly enough, this program lasted a few hours. Even more sadly, I watched for a good half hour. I had a feeling that something funny would happen because the silence was deafening in the 'Repose Romper Room.' Such a mood begets hilarity. However, nothing happened. No one cried. No one coughed and let one slip. No Indians performed the Chief's burial rite by setting the casket ablaze. Ciara didn't perform and split her slacks. Kanye West didn't yell, "Rehnquist didn't care about black people," because that's already understood. And much to my dismay, Carrot Top didn't burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man; breach the velvet rope; and bench press the coffin. :(
It was just the run of the mill C-SPAN bullshit.

I'm out like Ciara's fuzzy lil' secret.