I Think I'm Going to Hell: Entry I
I hope the Passions of the Christ DVD has outtakes. How funny would that shit be? The savior is on the cross and all of the sudden a nail pops loose, his crown of thorns falls off, and he starts laughing hysterically while dangling from one nail. He'd probably go so far as to mutter a "Holy shit" as he fell. There are so many possibilities. One of the Romans forgets his lines and yells "Son of a bitch!! Not you Jesus, I was just upset that I forgot my lines." Let's just keep our fingers crossed and pray that the DVD will have an outtakes feature. God answers prayers. Look at the Hilton sisters. Before they begged God for fame, they were just rich, ugly, paper-thin whores who wore way too much make-up. Now they're famous, rich, ugly, paper-thin whores who wear too much make-up.

See kids, Christianity can be funny too.

... that post only took five minutes. I even had time to apply heavenly blue font to the title.

I'm off like my name from the list of those gaining entrance to heaven.

-Carpe Comedy

I Guess Anna Nicole Smith Finally Discovered Crack, I Mean, Trim-Spa

I know, I know… I update so much you can hardly keep up. Had I posted thrice more over the past two months, the site could have boasted bi-monthly updates. Bi-monthly updates on a blog, a concept so impressive it’s sick. I really don’t know what to say… my bad… mea culpa… sorry shawty. The bottom-line is that I’m sorry for not posting, at all. You know, it’s not everyday your entire Girl Scout troop wins a three-month, all expenses paid trip to New Guinea as a reward for selling over 247,000 boxes of scrumptious, artery-clogging tarts that most dub “cookies.” Troop #33 had no choice but to vacation in the shite-stain of a country (province?). It was simply the opportunity of a lifetime. I can only think of one other place I’d rather go than New Guinea, and that’s Bosnia. Come to think of it, I heard that the corpse pyramids aren’t quite what they used to be, so I’m kinda glad we got stuck with New Guinea.

It was a fantastic trip, but the flight over was somewhat rough. The flight wasn’t bumpy or anything, but I just didn’t feel comfortable in a 16-passenger Cessna with an Aaliyah disc on repeat. Our Bohemian pilot couldn’t stop laughing. I’m glad he got a kick out of it…ass… I’m sure he’ll consider it funny that we put Kool-Aid in his gas tank and tampered with his landing gear.

Anyway, I’m now owned, in a manner of speaking, by Corporate America. I haven’t posted much, but that will change, when I get fired. Nah, I’ll post more. It is my solemn promise. Seriously though, enjoy it—I’m back bitch!

Quick Thought: The success of this William Hung fellow—Personally, I’m just tickled that one of Flutie’s Kids made it big… and he’s Asian. The man’s tale has Made-for-TV Movie written all over it. I can see it now, William Hung, A touching story of autism and a man’s drive to entertain. Playing the role of William Hung will be the lively Brandon Lee, ew wait… I bet that one went over with a BANG. Okay, so Jet Li will play William Hung and Jackie Chan will do the voice-overs. Screw the TV plans, I can take this project to the silver screen, esp. with heavy hitters like Chan and Li.

If anyone hears from Flashdance let me know… I fear he’s been captured yet again by Aborigine pariahs. And if you didn’t get any of the humor in this post, I suggest you do a duet with a fellow tard in William Hung. I’m out like a gerbil in a San Francisco pet shop.

Chortle?

-Carpe Comedy